Emotional Rollercoaster
Last night I drove myself batshit crazy thinking I had breast cancer. This is not an area to joke about, I understand that very clearly. But I've had some weird pain in my right breast for weeks now, even as far back as four weeks, before I got pregnant. It is only in the right breast, and only in one specific spot. I do self-exams about 30 times a day and last night I convinced myself that I felt a lump. I lay awake next to my sleeping husband, imagining how that would go: do we terminate the pregnancy and treat me for the cancer or take a chance that I won't die before the baby is born? I was sobbing.
It's absolutely ridiculous for my thoughts to spiral so out of control but it's not unusual. I am a Worst Case Scenario Girl. And the past two years of blog reading have made it so much worse. Recently I have discovered a subculture of mothers who blog about life after stillbirths. Their entries are poignant, heartbreaking, and so very sad. Somehow they have found a way to survive something I always say to myself I could never survive.
Plus I recently read about two women who are in advanced stages of cancer. They have husbands and young children whose motherless future they are trying to plan before they die.
I believe I lived most of my life oblivious to such things, not even considering that they couldn't happen to me because I didn't even think about them. But now I am terrified that they will happen to me. And here I am doubling my terror by having another child. How will I survive myself?
It's absolutely ridiculous for my thoughts to spiral so out of control but it's not unusual. I am a Worst Case Scenario Girl. And the past two years of blog reading have made it so much worse. Recently I have discovered a subculture of mothers who blog about life after stillbirths. Their entries are poignant, heartbreaking, and so very sad. Somehow they have found a way to survive something I always say to myself I could never survive.
Plus I recently read about two women who are in advanced stages of cancer. They have husbands and young children whose motherless future they are trying to plan before they die.
I believe I lived most of my life oblivious to such things, not even considering that they couldn't happen to me because I didn't even think about them. But now I am terrified that they will happen to me. And here I am doubling my terror by having another child. How will I survive myself?
posted by Kim Tracy Prince | 10:44 AM
3 Comments:
Wow - I had so much to catch up on! I hadn't visited your blog since you got the first faint positive. Congratulations on that line getting darker and darker!
I can totally relate to your early symptoms. This being my first pregnancy I thought I was just nuts when I noticed my little belly pooch does seem bigger and rounder already. Yikes!
I'm sorry you are going through the stress of worrying about finding a lump! That sucks!!! But I'll encourage you not to read those sad depressing blogs and whatnot anymore. I was getting into the same situation with reading the "trying to conceive" threads and "pregnancy loss" stuff on Mothering.com's forums But then I realized that most of the women who faithfully post on those things are the ones that have been trying to conceive forever and are totally heartbroken and desperate about it at this point. It just stands to reason that the ladies who get preggo super easily and have normal HEALTHY pregnancies are going to be less inclined to post on forums like that than the ones who have suffered extreme loss. I felt a lot more optimistic whenever I thought of it that way......maybe you can think of it like this: there are bajillions of healthy people out there that don't have breast cancer and don't have miscarriages, but they are obviously less vocal about it than the ones that do. I dunno if that helps, but it helped me.
Oh yes, and your secret is safe with me - I won't go blabbing it on your other blog. My blog is secret as well. Nobody knows I have it or reads it except for my husband. It's kind of fun to have a journal that strangers can read but pesky mother-in-laws and nosy friends can't! :)
Oh yeah - I have seen this site called Diaper Decisions that seems geared toward work-at-home-moms that make and sell cloth diapers. I actually haven't taken advantage of all their cool resources yet - I need to look into that. The only reason I knew about the site was because they have web scavenger hunt contest every year where you can win like $800 worth of cloth diapers and accessories. I didn't win, though. Crap.
I've been having similar dreams/daydreams. Often I wake up crying and then have a really crappy day. It stinks how hormones can make scary scenarios 1000 times worse.
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