Morning Sickness Is the Wrong Name

Ugh. I've been getting nauseous more often lately. Usually it happens about 20 minutes after I eat. It's like my body is saying "Oh! It's time to digest food! Let's turn on the Make KTP Feel Like Crap switch!"

But last night on the way home from work I was stuck in traffic that wasn't. moving. at. all. and I had the WORST feeling I've ever had, the one that makes you think you will need to open the door, lean over, and hurl out everything you have ever eaten. That would make me feel better, though, so of course it didn't happen.

Might I take a moment to warn other pregnant women (the masses that read this secret site) that when you are feeling your morning (or all day) sickness, it does NOT help to stick your finger down your throat and force yourself to puke, like it does when you are really really hungover. No. It makes you puke, which is a thing that I hate more than anything else in life, BUT it does not take your nauseous feeling away. You just feel more disgusting because you have that squeaky I-just-puked feeling on your teeth. And the taste of bile in your mouth makes the residual nausea worse, and you wind up right where you started.

Anyway. Duriing the ride home last night I had some Wheat Thins in the car. I bought them for my grandmother who is coming to visit from across the country. Sorry, Nana, I had to bust them out to quell my rising stomach. Even though my body was very afraid of me sticking food in mouth, nibbling on the crackers actually worked. My head stopped swimming and I was able to pull off the freeway and just sit in the side-street traffic. It was a little nicer place to pull over and hurl if I needed to.

The thing is, I'm not puking. I feel sick and gross and I don't want to eat anything except toast and crackers and buttered pasta. At least I am able to eat THAT. I know other women have it way worse than this so I'm just going to hold on until passes, because it WILL pass, and that's what gets me through.

Bloaty

On Saturday I was bloated but not with water. With impatience, frustration, irritability, and general malaise. I thought it had everything to do with my filthy, disgusting house. It was covered in dog/cat hair, strewn with toys, laundry, and miscellaneous STUFF. The floors were sticky/needed vacuuming, and the bathrooms were getting MOLDY.

We commenced Project Get This Shit Taken Care Of, which involved mom and dad trading off watching Big Boy 1 or cranking up the Baby Einstein video yet again. By the end of the day the house was not so disgusting, most of the laundry was done, and MY BELLY HAD POPPED OUT.

I have heard that after your first pregnancy, during the next and subsequent pregnancies you will show much sooner than you did the first time. But I am only six weeks pregnant - I didn't expect it to happen THIS soon!

Bleah. I'm not bloated. I'm PREGNANT. (But things like Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzards make it worse.)

I'll post a picture soon. I love pregnant belly photo progressions.

Like Butter

I'm sorta kinda starting to take this pregnancy seriously. Okay, I've done so the whole time, but it doesn't feel REAL yet. I am much more cautious about it than before because of blogs. BLOGS, damn you! I've read and cried and laughed and learned so very very much from them over the last two years. There is SO much more that can go wrong than I was ever aware of.

I know I should appreciate this embryo for its individual nature, but it's very natural for me to compare this pregnancy to my last one. Therefore, let's compare.

Last time: I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 5 weeks along. My symptoms were sore boobs that actually looked bigger, fatigue, voracious appetite, weight gain.

This time: no symptoms. I jumped the gun and took those HPT's after the 2ww.

Last time: Flooded with optimism and curiosity, I read everything I could find and started looking for baby supplies right away. I wanted to tell everybody I knew but we kept it secret until 12 weeks. I had absolute unshakeable certainty that everything would work out fine.

This time: I have much more knowledge. I know that I can get to my 8 week prenatal exam and there can be no heartbeat. I don't know how likely it is to happen to me, but the fact that it CAN happen scares me. So I wanted to tell my family and close friends because if it goes awry, I want those people to lean on.

Besides the bizarre appetite followed by eating something weird followed by nausea, I try not to think about the pregnancy. I am planning to have a baby, yes, but I am trying to keep my mind off of the Things That Can Go Wrong. However, this week I started having my husband lather my boobs and belly with The Body Shop's Cocoa Butter Body Butter, because I did that last time, and I didn't get any stretch marks.

Day Whatever

When I was with Perky NP yesterday she whipped out her cycle wheel and declared that BN2 is due on April 24.

I am trying to post this funny pregnancy ticker but it is showing up in all the wrong places on my template. I'm not into cutesy countdown thingies but this one was written by one of my favorite bloggers, Sarcastic Journalist. I'm curious to see how a Sarcastic Baby develops.

I am nauseous for at least 5 minutes out of every hour.

It just occurred to me this morning that I should start rubbing the belly and boobs with The Body Shop's Cocoa Butter Body Butter again. Mmm, smells like chocolate. I have a Rubbermaid storage bin in the back of my closet that has my pregnancy wardrobe, books, bras, and Body Butter in it. But I'm a little superstitious so I am not going to haul it out until after my first prenatal. Which, for the superstitious, is on the dubious date of 9/11.

Even though Right Boob is still sore, I had coffee this morning. Screw it.

Secret Chronicles of Right Boob

I went to the doctor's office this morning to get Right Boob checked out. I met the new nurse practitioner, let's call her Perky NP, and she did a breast exam, declaring that I have fibrocystic breast tissue. Because of the pregnancy, she ordered a boob ultrasound - just to make sure. She said if I was her sister she'd just tell me not to worry about it.

How strange that my first ultrasound of this pregnancy was of my boob.

Well, the ultrasound tech gave me lots of information about fibrocystic boobs. She said worst case scenario I'd have to have some tissue removed, but it looked pretty clear to her. Then the radiologist came in and we all had a nice chat while I laid there on the table with ultrasound goo all over my boob. At least they gave me a towel to cover up with.

Husband Googled "fibrocystic tissue" and read the results to me on the phone. Apparently the pain is made worse by coffee, chocolate, and soft drinks. Caffeine, my one and only vice that I indulge in not even very frequently. Okay I have the daily cuppa coffee but chocolate? How will I get through this pregnancy without you?

Emotional Rollercoaster

Last night I drove myself batshit crazy thinking I had breast cancer. This is not an area to joke about, I understand that very clearly. But I've had some weird pain in my right breast for weeks now, even as far back as four weeks, before I got pregnant. It is only in the right breast, and only in one specific spot. I do self-exams about 30 times a day and last night I convinced myself that I felt a lump. I lay awake next to my sleeping husband, imagining how that would go: do we terminate the pregnancy and treat me for the cancer or take a chance that I won't die before the baby is born? I was sobbing.

It's absolutely ridiculous for my thoughts to spiral so out of control but it's not unusual. I am a Worst Case Scenario Girl. And the past two years of blog reading have made it so much worse. Recently I have discovered a subculture of mothers who blog about life after stillbirths. Their entries are poignant, heartbreaking, and so very sad. Somehow they have found a way to survive something I always say to myself I could never survive.

Plus I recently read about two women who are in advanced stages of cancer. They have husbands and young children whose motherless future they are trying to plan before they die.

I believe I lived most of my life oblivious to such things, not even considering that they couldn't happen to me because I didn't even think about them. But now I am terrified that they will happen to me. And here I am doubling my terror by having another child. How will I survive myself?

Day 19: Hormone Update

Yesterday I was starving, nauseous, exhausted, and fat. I craved chocolate milk. Today I am starving again. My weight is consistent and not too high, even though I already feel fat and husband says he can see my belly! I'm uncomfortable, for no particular reason.

My period is officially late. Not that that's news or anything. I keep looking for implantation spotting. I had that last time.

There is something very stressful going on in my life right now that makes me not able to fully enjoy being pregnant. It sucks. It will be okay eventually, but it still sucks.

I keep telling BB1 that he has a little sister in my belly. (I hope it's a sister.) Maybe if I just keep telling him about it over the next nine months he'll get it someday.

Let's Call This "Day 16"

I still seem to be pregnant. Three separate drugstore-brand HPT's can't be wrong. Right?

I'm moody and bloated and tingly and weepy. I'm nesting. Okay, maybe that's just the urge to shop. That's not exactly nesting. That part doesn't come until later anyway.

I just hope I didn't use all my good luck on the first kid. I really hope BN2 gets some, too. Or a lot. A lot of luck would be better.

So far I have told my parents, one coworker, two of my 3 best friends (the third hasn't called back yet), and two of my internet buddies. Oh, and you guys. Cat's still in the bag, sorta.

No doubt about it now.

Cat's in the Bag

I am so excited I want to tell everyone. Last night I went to CVS to buy some more HPT's. My friend works there, and she was at the counter when I walked it. I asked her to show me where the HPT's were. She was excited but then asked me how many days I am late. I'm not late, I told her. Then she was confused. She didn't realize that there could be a faint positive so soon before a missed period.

It was okay to tell this friend. Her kid is 1 day younger than BB1. We met as new mothers at a breastfeeding support group. I feel like she is some kind of alter ego of mine. She doesn't know any of my family or old friends.

I want to tell my mother. Oh, and I guess my father would find out too, so I want to tell them both. She is in the hospital recovering from surgery. Wouldn't this make her day?

Last time, I was very careful about whom I told and when. I waited until 12 weeks to make a general announcement. At my birthday party, no less. This time, I know that if I suffer complications or worse, I want everyone in my corner. I am so nervous. I know way too much about what can go wrong. That's why I am not taking any chances with alcohol, medications, etc. I know things can go wrong no matter what I do, but I don't want any way to blame myself.

Second test. This time a faint BLUE line. But now I can REALLY see it. And I didn't have to wait the full 2 minutes either: it showed up right away.

Doctor Doubts

Oh no. The shit's already starting to hit the fan. I just called my OB to ask if they do the blood test and they said no they only do the urine test. I tell the receptionist that I already have a gyno appointment with Dr. TallLady on 9/11 and she calculates that I would be about 8 weeks along which is perfect for the first prenatal.

But.

Dr. TallLady doesn't do OB's anymore.

That sucks, because she was the reason I chose that office in the first place. Oh well, Dr. YoungLady is the one who delivered Big Boy #1, so I wanted to see her anyway.

But.

Dr. YoungLady is transferring to a new group about an hour away from here!

So, now, if BN2 is really in there, I have to find a new OB. Crap. Double crap. My mind is racing.

I rescheduled my 9/11 exam so that Dr. YoungLady will do it since she will still be there. It will be a prenatal, unless this all goes away and then I'll just keep my regular annual gyno appointment with her. They are replacing her with a man, though. I don't really want a male doctor. I'll see if she can recommend another female doctor.

And while I am at it, I may even switch hospitals. I live 1 block away from a hospital, but it always seemed to be Illegal Immigrant Clinic to me, so I chose a private hospital 20 minutes away. Since then, I've heard good things about the IIC, so maybe I'll actually go check it out. Then again, why fix what ain't broke? I am sad about the prospect of going through a pregnancy at a new OB office. I liked the nurses and staff that I saw every month, every 2 weeks, and every week. They giggled and cooed when I brought Big Boy #1 in to see them.

I guess I should consider Dr. MaleDoctor. I never thought I would.

Then again, the faint pink line might go away...

Freaking Out

I can't stop thinking about my faint pink line. I can't wait to go to the drugstore and get 10,000 more tests and take them. Am I pregnant or was it a fluke? I Googled "faint pink line" and got a lot of stories about women who had faint positives followed by negatives and miscarriages.

I need to stop surfing the net.

A very faint vertical line. You CAN see it, can't you?

Dilemma

My coworkers are all going out for drinks tomorrow. Happy hour. One of them is leaving the company and it's his last day. I'm invited. If I go, and I don't have a drink, people will think it's weird. I could have a glass of wine or something. But I promised myself I would give BN2 a leg up by not drinking any alcohol during the pregnancy, and now even if I don't know if I'm pregnant, wouldn't it be nice of me to wait until I'm sure? I won't be sure until a week from now. Maybe sooner if AF comes early. I can't decide what to do. Although I do have a cold, and if it gets worse I'll just say I'm sick. Yeah, yeah, that's it.

I Have My Doubts

Today I feel crappy, bloated, and emotional. This is the way I felt about a week before my last period. So maybe another one's on the way. I'm not too disappointed, after all it's only been 2 months of trying. At least, if I get my period, I can have some serious cocktails.

This Is What Baby #2 Looks Like - If I Am Pregnant

Education

I've been reading infertile blogs for a while now. There were a lot of abbreviations I did not quite understand, so I finally looked them up today.

OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
BFN and BFP - Big Fat (or other) Negative and Positive
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer

And so on. One thing totally new that I learned is the phrase "baby dance." Which means sex. I never thought of it that way before. I do know that sex with the welcome possibility of making a baby is much more exciting.

Nothing too weird today, although my boobs feel bigger. It could be all in my head. Will I say that every day? Just until the 2ww is over, I guess.

Weird Things Happening to My Body

Yesterday: sore boob, singular. Crampiness. Fatigue, but that could be because I got up early to take Husband to the airport. Sore back, but that's not new. When I took my shower last night I had that tingly boob feeling that I used to get when breastfeeding.

It's probably nothing.

But what if it's something?